Notes on Napkins

Refuting Doc’s article “How to stop your kid from being sarcastic”

Every day for a long time I’ve done the daily clips of notable news that has to do with young voters, youth, the millennial generation… etc….  I write for FutureMajority.com but since this is long and not directly related to our org I decided to post it on my personal Tumblr instead.  In my news alerts popped up a story titled How to stop your teen’s sarcasm in 3 steps by Gregory Ramey, Ph.D.  Ramey is a child psychologist and VP of outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton.

I’m sure you can imagine how I’d approach this piece….

Dr. Ramey begins the article saying he hates being around sarcastic people because he finds their cynicism rather irritating.  I find people’s flippant use of the modifier “rather,” when it isn’t grammatically necessary, to be exceedingly irritating… but I was an English major.  Dr. Ramey is misunderstanding sarcasm and cynicism.  I think that’s just precious.  I’m sure no one ever accused a doctor (PhD or MD) of being socially inept. 

As someone who embodies both sarcasm and cynicism I would encourage others to give closer examination to both. 

Cynicism is when someone looks at the world from a more negative perspective.  Often called “being jaded” or “scornful” with a general distrust of the motives of others.  This philosophy is typically embraced by seniors and retirees and especially runs rampant in the intellectual and political communities.  Since the election I’ve come down with a very severe case of cynicism for the political and government system.  Not because of the election… it’s just been a long time coming.  I digress…

The philosophical idea of “cynicism” on the other hand, comes from the Greek “cynics” who believed that ties to money, status, power, etc… was useless (and bad) and that people should embrace lives that place natural things as virtuous and important.  Cynics believed that suffering was caused by the judgement of others which were derived from the obsession with money, status, power, etc…  Some things never really change when you think about it…. Jesus was a cynic… seriously….

If you think about it the idea of “cynicism” it makes sense that it was derived from the philosophy of Cynicism.  Because cynics would have to believe that the majority of the people are too obsessed with themselves their own power and status and money which is - in and of itself - cynical.  It’s a negative way to think about people, there’s no doubt.  But I’d argue that it’s a pretty realistic way of looking at people.  Evidence: Wall Street, Reality TV, Enron and big business, etc… 

Now, sarcasm on the other hand CAN be the manifestation of cynicism but mostly it’s the embodiment of really clever comedy.  My friend’s teenage step-kids can be really sarcastic but they can also be really snotty and say shitty things.  There’s a huge difference.  My curiosity is if Dr. Ramey is having a “language problem.” 

Sarcasm is saying the antithesis of what is actually meant for the sake of comedy or intentional irony.

When my friend’s step-kids say something sarcastic I smile because it makes me feel good about the future of the world.  You can’t be stupid and be sarcastic - it doesn’t work.  Sarcasm is embraced by pop-culture as a kind of smart comedy - hell sarcasm was embraced by Shakespeare to excess!  My favorite play Hamlet has our hero snarkily commenting about his mother’s marriage to his uncle like five minutes after his father died:  “Thrift, thrift, Horatio!  The funeral bak’d meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables!”  A good example of a cynical and sarcastic statement.

My mother is a good southern woman - and southerners are FAMOUS for their sarcasm.  She would reply to Dr. Ramey’s piece by saying “bless his heart.”  Southern women often comment on a screaming 2 year old throwing a fit by saying “aren’t they just precious at that age….”  Both comments drip with sarcasm, neither is cynical.  A good southern lady would say that Dr. Ramey is probably just a little confused. 

This can sometimes be a regional thing, because southerners tend to be more passive aggressive than northerners.  Southerns believe in being polite at all costs.  Very English - but with a different accent.  Northerners tend do be overt in expressing themselves.

Teens are finding their own use of expression as they grow - whether that manifests in highlighting irony or just being snotty is a huge difference.  Dr. Ramey says that youth sometimes use it as humor but that “often is more offensive and hurtful than amusing.”  I guess that depends on who the sarcasm lodged at.  Because I have yet to hear a teen be sarcastic and NOT find it amusing.  But parents are different from someone like me that refuses to breed or even marry. 

His example of “sarcasm” being hurtful was 11 year old Melissa who ended a “discussion” with her parents who wouldn’t let her have a cell phone by saying “Yeah, you guys really do have lots of trust in me!” and walked off.  Dr. Ramey says she didn’t have the “assertiveness or verbal sophistication to explain her real feelings to her parents.” 

Bullshit. I flat out disagree.  Sarcasm isn’t an indication of “less verbal sophistication” but rather an emphasis on the phrase at hand.  Would Melissa’s comment have had the same impact if she had said “Why can’t you just trust me” or “I hate that you don’t trust me!”  No.. of course not.  For Melissa’s words to have the maximum impact on both her angry feelings and her parents’ reaction she needed to use the language tool of sarcasm.

As we saw in Hamlet - the sarcastic phrase he utters would not have had the impact it did if he merely said “she married him for his money.”  Come on - that doesn’t take talent to write.  It takes Shakespeare down to the Maury Povitch level. 

The good doc devises his genius system of 3 simple rules parents must institute to stop sarcasm in its tracks. 

1.  Establish a clear rule that sarcasm, insults, and disrespect are not allowed…

Again, this lumps sarcasm in with insults and disrespect.  I would tell a parent concerned about what Melissa said to lighten the hell up.  Is Melissa using drugs?  Does she come home smelling like alcohol?  Is she sleeping around?  Is she pregnant?  Then really… shut the fuck up about the sarcasm - we got bigger problems in this world.

Insults and disrespect are a byproduct of a person who doesn’t have the persuasive skills to further their argument.  You saw this when Congressman Wilson stood up during the President’s joint session speech and yelled “YOU LIE!”  A mature more intellectual person would have had a thoughtful argument to respond with at a time that was more appropriate.  However, Congressman Wilson’s campaign raised millions of dollars in just 24 hours and made him a household name because of his disrespect. 

If we expect civility from our youth, I think, perhaps, the first place we should begin is with their parents.  Insults and disrespect come from somewhere and there’s only so long you can blame it on video games and television before parents really have to begin to accept responsibility for their own actions.  If a parent screams and insults and disrespects in front of their child… they’re only asking for similar behavior later on.  This is why people should be required to take a written exam before breeding….

Do kids know what the impact of disrespect and insults are?  I’m not talking about taking away the XBox - I’m saying the moral ramification of what it looks like if everyone is horribly disrespectful of all people.  Are you raising your children to value all people regardless of their differences?  If the answer to any of those is “no” then you’re allowing for disrespect in one way while not tolerating it in others.  That teaches that disrespect of those weaker than you is ok and disrespect of those more powerful is wrong - not because of any kind of moral standards but because of consequences that probably have to do with money, power, and stuff.  That’s pretty much teaching your kid to be an asshole and probably a serial killer.  So… well done!

2.  Enforce your rules….

This isn’t exactly logical for a #2 step in solving the false assumption that sarcasm is a problem.  #1 ends with building rules .. it’s kind of a given that you should enforce those rules if you plan to make the rules… I mean.. I could be wrong but maybe edit this one out for something more important and wastes a little less of my time.  If you’ve done your job as your child’s first moral leader they won’t want to be overtly disrespectful, because they understand why that’s uncool.  That isn’t to say if they are disrespectful in extreme circumstances then they’re aimed for a life as a Tea Party activist… extreme circumstances are so-named for a reason and having a fight over it is sweating the small stuff.

3.  Teach alternatives

FINALLY - something valid.  The one thing that is most important is to teach your kids how to communicate.  We lose this in our schools as we focus on filling in bubbles instead of actual skills.  Thanks No Child Left Behind!!  A+!  It begins with youngest ages - when our kids are learning to talk and can’t express themselves and get frustrated.  But two not three is a little more realistic.  If I’ve heard it once I’ve heard it a thousand times from a new parent “Use your words!!”  This continues into young adulthood when “use your words” should become “persuade me better don’t lodge insults… actually convince me.”

A good and smart parent will engage their teen in intentional debate to help build this skill.  “Well, why is your teacher an idiot?” instead of “Don’t call her that!”  Sadly, I didn’t learn persuasive writing and persuasive speaking until high school AP English and Speech and Debate.  You really need to start it right at 13 because it can help with that whole teenage angst thing.

In conclusion, Dr. Ramey could probably use a refresher in the life of the everyday teen, which, while I’m removed from it, I’m a hell of a lot closer than Dr. Ramey.  Teens are wiping their feet on the welcome mat of adulthood.  That’s a really frustrating time, because you suddenly realize that you have no power or control over yourself or your own life.  Up until that point not having control doesn’t really matter because you’re just having fun.  But, transitioning into having 100% control over your own life takes a lot of falling on your face and being picked up by your folks. 

Melissa’s parents should be grateful she just wants a cell phone instead of an abortion and calm the hell down.  If they don’t trust her because they think she’ll break it or lose it then have Melissa do odd jobs around the house to earn money to buy it and pay for it herself.  This can teach Melissa to be responsible for her own stuff, value her own work monetarily, and save you from footing the bill when she breaks or loses it while at the same time teaching her the consequences of her actions.  Unless, of course, the phone gets stolen and then you get to teach Melissa the valuable lesson of how to file a police report…. a really important thing for a teen to learn before they go to college.

And it is for these reasons that Dr. Ramey’s article “How to stop your teen’s sarcasm in 3 steps” is stupid.